#i don't have the spoons for that and it's ridiculous that this is the culture

[stardust-falling]

Unpopular opinion, but I don't actually care who interacts with my posts. Like. I will 100% be blocking certain types of people on sight, but that's when I see them. And if someone clowns on my posts, I'll obviously know and I am not afraid to tear them open and then block.

But I'm not going to be monitoring who reblogs my posts, because guess what? I'm sure people with shitty moral standards share some of my opinions! People aren't all one thing or another. Bad people can have good ideas, good people can have bad ideas. Even the worst possible person in the universe has had at least one thought that isn't terrible by nature-- just like even someone who is perfectly "good" and checks all the right boxes will still have some belief or behavior that others consider detestable.

First of all, this is tumblr: there's no one that profits off of a post being reblogged. I really hate TERFS and if I see something that tells me someone's a TERF I'll block them, but I'm not going to check if the OP of every post I reblog is a TERF or not. Asking people to do that... it's just ridiculous IMHO.

But especially when it's something like "don't reblog my posts if you are ___" because if you reblog my post and hate my existence... like... that's on you lmao. You're the one agreeing with the opinion of someone you hate. I personally recognize that agreeing with one opinion doesn't mean agreeing with someone's entire belief system, but do you?

Anyway, people contain multitudes, and the good and the bad are intermingled in everyone-- yes, everyone. Internet purity culture is ridiculous.

[thebiballerina]

Cousin of the guy who was misinterpreted once and now only ever makes statements which include "this is not a suggestion", "I don't mean to imply", "this isn't intended for".

guy who was wrong once and now only ever makes statements which include “I think” “it seems to me that” “but I’m not sure”

[catofadifferentcolor]

Assassin's Creed

We see the world as it really is, and hope that one day all mankind might see the same.

As I've been reading a lot about the Crusades recently, it seemed a natural progression to try playing Assassin's Creed for the first time since the franchise began a decade and a half ago.

This is a ridiculous decision, as anyone who knows me could say. I gave up on the game after an hour of play back in 2007 because of how nauseated I became just trying to get from place to place - to say nothing of the fact that, for a game that came out in the same year as the original Mass Effect, the graphics, controls, and world-building feel incredibly shallow considering how many games have followed.

Don't get me wrong, Assassin's Creed has excellent bones. The concept of genetic memory is something which you don't see often in mainstream sci-fi (the goa'uld of Stargate: SG-1 is the only other example I can think of off the top my head, though the Nietzschens of Andromeda with their genetic reincarnation are a close second), but the game made it just plausible enough sounding to work for the game, as are secret sects of Assassins and Templars.

And yet I find the game itself incredibly difficult to play - or did, for the first third of the game, before I broke down an found a good guide that explained to me everything I was missing. The running and jumping and climbing is fun, but finding anything - especially those memory flags - is nigh impossible without a ping/search mechanism, as is developing any mental map of an area without a physical map with everything useful marked to refer to. The pickpocketing mechanism took me a good half-hour to figure out successfully, and just entering the map for Acre got me noticed by the guards to such an extent it took me ten minutes to shake them. Twice. It took me until the end of memory block 5 to manage a single clean main target assassination, and that was more by luck than anything else.

To say nothing of the terrible horse ridding mechanics.

Or the shallowness of our nominal protagonist. (Though I'm willing to to contribute that to victim of kidnapping not giving his kidnappers anything to work with.)

Or the lack of captioning.

Or the game controls in general.

But the bones are there. It would have been very, very easy to turn a game about the Crusades into the standard pop culture offering of good versus evil, but by making it an issue of free will versus control the traditional Crusade narrative is turned on its head. I love how the dying declarations make it clear these men think they're doing good, and that Altair starts to question Al Mualim because of this - and that he gets to grow because of this, and eventually realize what Al Mualim has done to the Brotherhood. It's not your bog standard betrayal arc, but a become the very thing you sought to destroy, which is much harder to pull off well. And it does. The last two memory blocks make everything else worth it, and Altair's character development over the course of the game is real and believable and visceral in a way that's rare enough I can't think of the last time I've seen it.

And yet, I can't quite love the game. I'm not sure I'll ever replay this one, if only for the sheer frustration I've felt playing it this time. Even with the official guide leading me to each of the memory flags in later memory blocks, I'm still missing one or two for each place, and there are only so many times you can run through a city looking for something that blends into the the background before you give up. Additionally, the modern sections lack any clear objectives to the extent that it took me finding a guide to realize there were any, and each conversation with Lucy seems less potential ally and more if she spoon-feeds me one more piece of information, I'm going to gag. If she doesn't turn out to be a Templar mole, I'll buy a hat just to eat it.

In short, I can see why this game spawned such a successful franchise, but it needed about another 3 months in development to work out the kinks, give it some captioning, and redo the entire tutorial/first memory block. Maybe Ubisoft will one day do a remake, like Aspyr has promised for KOTOR, that Assassin's Creed will live up to its full potential... but until then, 3.5 stars and onto AC2.

[marciabrady]

A LOT of what we take for granted in media and pop culture nowadays can be traced back to Snow White more than any other Disney film I think. Theme parks, merchandising, most cartoons, naturally most animated films, heck even anime and other live action films...A person doesn't have to be into Disney but they have to understand / respect Snow White's legacy.

EXACTLY. People are reacting to the desecration of one of the most historically and culturally impactful films of all time. And it isn't like it's just niche fans who are upset, since I know people are saying "who even liked Snow White, you all are using this as a reason to hate a 22 year old woman!!!" (Which btw in and of itself is such a ridiculous statement). But I guess people don't realize that the original director's son literally said that his dad and Walt Disney would be rolling around in their graves, with what's going on. And idk I'm just so sick of the horrible takes that are blindly supporting Rachel. I keep hearing a mixture of the below:

"Why are people upset at her- she didn't write or direct the movie? She's just repeating talking points Disney gave her!" First off, no one held a gun to her head and told her to grimace into the camera or to call Snow White's Prince a stalker or say that she never connected with the movie as a child. Those were her choices and that's her personality coming through. Secondly, it's been confirmed that she has had input on her role and *surprise* her portrayal of the character she was cast as. And third of all, people are upset at her because of her comments, but also because she's a mascot of this movie. She was literally paid to promote this film and be a face for the movie (she herself said that her name was above Snow White's on the title and people needed to get over it)- meaning, if the movie did well, she would've gotten most of the praise and attention, and if it didn't, she would've gotten the pushback. Just because there's a negative reaction doesn't absolve her from the responsibility of that title she chose to take on and was ready to reap the rewards off of.

I have also been seeing people say, 'She loves Snow White!' No she doesn't. She loves being cast as a lead in a Disney movie and took selfies in front of merch because she sees it as a reflection of herself. She hasn't listed a single quality she likes about the character- just why it's problematic to her, outdated, and how she wants to change everything about the personality. Not only that, she literally said she just watched the movie once as a kid and never picked it up again...like, why are people reaching and trying to put words and feelings in her mouth when she's already indicated the opposite?

"People are dogpiling on this poor woman because people hate girls!" I disagree. I think the reason everyone's having a kneejerk reaction is because this is the 100th live action movie no one asked for, and they've been spoon feeding us this incredibly reductive antifeminist take masquerading around as progressivism while not actually giving us anything pushing edge or revolutionary or edgy or meaningful in terms of representation. They're responding to trends 20 years too late and the movement has already progressed, and people have realized how harmful a lot of these takes were at the time.

"She's just a kid! She shouldn't be held responsible for what she said on the red carpet, she's too young!" She's an adult who was cast in a production that, at this point with post production, is going to cost half a billion dollars. She got paid millions for her role. She is bringing to live action the film that this entire company, one of the biggest in the world, is based off of. She has a team of PR agents, of representations, of communication experts training her on how to speak and promote the movie. Also, again, she's an adult! This infantilization of her for her unprofessional behavior is, frankly, insulting. She was given big shoes to fill, and you can't accept that responsibility and all that money, only to cower and say you aren't fit for those responsibilities once the heat comes on you. Furthermore, it wasn't that long ago that I was 22 and I didn't talk like that lol I had better sense than she did at like five. I don't even think 9 year olds would talk as disrespectfully about she did about a school assignment, much less one of the most important roles in cinematic history.

"People hate her because of her SAG strike comments and because she dared to stand up." No, people hate her for demanding streaming money from a movie that hasn't even come out yet, when all she's done is disparage the original creation fans are so upset about, and for being a hypocrite. Again, she's going to demand streaming rights for "standing in the dress of an iconic Disney Princess" when only a few months prior, she snickered and laughed at the Prince's scenes potentially being cut out in post production, saying "That's Hollywood, baby." Did she feel bad for her costars, there, when she was joking about it? I doubt he would've gotten paid residuals if his scenes all got cut. Maybe he should tell Rachel, "That's Hollywood, baby," if she doesn't get any money. And just to confirm- I do think actors should get residuals and compensated fairly, which goes without saying. It's just gross to see someone undermine the work of so many creative artists and talent, but be so quick to try to profit from it. Again, the way she was snickering and laughing "That's Hollywood, baby" makes me feel particularly uncomfortable.

[fereldanwench]

(I feel the need to make a small disclaimer: I am going to be talking about my perceptions about the CP77 fandom culture, some of which might be critical in nature, but this is not a call-out post on an individual or community scale. This is just me sharing some personal reflections. I suspect I'm not totally alone in some of this, but as always, YMMV.

Also, pleasepleaseplease do not feel bad or guilty for reaching out to me or tagging me in stuff or whatever--It means a lot to me that folks wanna chat and connect, and normally I'm 100% down, but I just need to clear my head a bit.)

So I've been ruminating a lot over the past few weeks about my ability to maintain a certain level of activity when it comes to fandom stuff, and I've concluded that my fandom social battery is really, really low.

I'm having a hard time keeping up with DMs, I'm having a hard time keeping up with tag games, I'm having a hard time keeping up with asks, I'm having a hard time keeping up with all the awesome stuff y'all are making--I'm just burnt out socially. And normally I would just take a social media break, but I think this is coming from deeper personal issues that a week offline isn't going to fix.

I've never been in a fandom before where I felt like there was this expectation to keep up with just about every single person in the community. It might be a false expectation I'm putting on myself, but given that I've seen other people apologize for not being able to keep up with posts or apologize for not having the spoons to leave nice tags on reblogs, I don't think this is just a me problem.

The CP77 fandom is relatively small compared to many of my other fandoms, like Dragon Age or Mass Effect, which I think can make it feel like keeping up with a good chunk of the community is totally feasible. For instance, I knew I could never dream of seeing all the DA content on Tumblr, so I never even made the effort to, but I know I can probably get just about everyone who posts in the femvfriday hastag by a certain time. So I often felt like I should do that, especially if I posted in the tag that Friday, too.

But the CP77 fandom is also really active, I think in large part due to the accessibility of photomode and virtual photography. I hope it's clear that I'm not saying this to diminish the value of VP, and obviously, everyone's mileage may vary based on personal technique and other artistic experience, but from my perspective, it does in general seem to be a quicker medium than traditional art or fic. I love the creativity of this community, but I actually can't feasibly keep up with everything everyone is doing all the time.

I made sort of a similar post last fall about the self-imposed pressure of having to create new things on a regular basis. At the time, I was grappling with losing a lot of personal time and brain power after having COVID in September and then working overtime in October, and I wasn't able to make stuff at the rate I had previously. I knew it was ridiculous, I knew no one was like "omg wench didn't post today, shame on her," but there was still FOMO on my part. I also felt like I had lost something I had previously had (specifically the time and energy to create) on account of shitty circumstances, which compounded my frustration.

I've been trying to tell myself that feeling guilty for not having the energy to reply to DMs in a timely fashion or to reblog every femvfriday post is just as silly and self-imposed, and that I don't need to explain to anyone that I just don't have the energy to participate like that right now. I've always been a very strong advocate for people using Tumblr how they want, and while yes, doing things like reblogging posts is a great way to connect with other people and show appreciation to fellow creators and I do encourage people who want to be a part of a community to do these things, it should never feel like an obligation. (The commentary on this post absolutely nails it for me.)

But this guilt and anxiety are harder to shake. Even in my very early days in the CP77 fandom, I noticed that it seemed very transactional to me. And to a point that makes sense, and I think is at least somewhat the result of Tumblr's functionality: you are going to be more likely to notice people who notice you and by extension to support people who support you. I don't think it's inherently a bad thing, but I think it can become one if there's no deeper connection after a certain point, especially if people start to feel like there's an imbalance in the transaction.

The gossipy nature of this fandom can make that even worse--It can be pretty easy to notice a drop-off in activity from someone who might have previously been very supportive and then spiral from "it's just because they're busy, it's fine" to "they're not interacting with me anymore because they heard something bad about me and now they hate me." (I've been on both sides of that one.) There are also a lot of assumptions about cliques and friendships and who's interacting with whom because of fandom politics or whatever that add another layer of stress and confusion here.

So for the past few weeks, every time I go to reblog a post or reply to a comment or consider who to tag after doing a tag game, all of this is weighing on me. Even if it's stupid, even if it's self-imposed, this is what is on my mind.

And what that's been resulting in is largely just not wanting to interact at all. Sometimes it would even make me feel guilty about posting my own stuff if I hadn't interacted with anyone else's in a while, as if I need to support other people in order to earn the privilege to share my own work. And this is of course reflective of much deeper issues I have (read: eldest daughter syndrome) than just fandom nonsense--I'm not putting this one on fandom at all--But it's a thing I deal with.

At some point in the past six month or so, I really lost sight of what this blog is really for, and that's for me. I do generally like interacting with the fandom at large, and I like organizing things and sharing resources that I think can be helpful for folks (especially since I really struggled with how much knowledge was locked behind Discord servers), but my blog is not actually a space for the CP77 community. It is for me, first and foremost, and I need to make it for me again.

I don't know exactly what that's gonna look like. I still consider CP77 my main fandom, and I don't really have much inclination to create or engage in other fictional worlds right now so it might not really look that much different. And I'm hoping that by removing some of this stress, it'll actually recharge my social battery so I can be better at doing the fun stuff like chatting about OCs and shippy stuff with friends.

But my activity here will probably be a lot more erratic as I reclaim this as a happy space for myself.

So that's it. And as always, if you read all of my personal problems, thank you, lmao. I know I'm ridiculous, and it's not that serious, and blah blah blah but THIS IS HOW I WORK THROUGH SHIT OKAY thx

[victo1re]

◈　NAME　 ⋯ 　jadzia :)

◈　PRONOUNS　 ⋯ 　they/them

◈　MOST ACTIVE MUSE(S)?　 ⋯ 　victoria is like... all that's in my brain rn and it's been that way for several weeks now so i think she's here to stay lol

◈　RP PET PEEVES?　 ⋯ 　this question, to be honest, and the culture that enables it. can we stop holding each other to ridiculous invisible standards of etiquette, please? can we stop this formation of an ingroup and an outgroup based on whether you know to reblog from source or prefer to soft/hardblock someone? this is how we get anon dogpiles on people who have done literally nothing wrong whatsoever. we're all spending our free time pretending to be fake people on the internet. it's not that serious.

◈　EXPERIENCE / HOW MANY YEARS　 ⋯ 　i started roleplaying on instagram in the year of our lord 2015. writing that made my bones hurt.

◈　FLUFF, ANGST, OR SMUT　 ⋯ 　yes to all? the quiet moments in between the big ones are just as important, but they're nothing without the drama to contrast them. this blog is a healthy mix of the three i like to think, although the fluff does edge into angst quite often just because of what i like to affectionately call bhaal cw lol

◈　PLOTS OR MEMES　 ⋯ 　i am highly plot-based. i'm so bad at sending and/or responding to memes without an established sense of the vibe.

◈　LONG OR SHORT REPLIES　 ⋯ 　i ramble on vic quite a bit. she has a lot going on in her head and out of it, and she's someone for whom i find physical/setting details to be more important than other muses i've written. her thought processes are complicated and difficult to wade through succinctly, but i do try to match length and not just... go ham all the time.

◈　TIME TO WRITE　 ⋯ 　usually evenings. sometimes mornings if i have nothing else to do. this will probably swap as rehearsals start to pick up.

◈　ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S)　 ⋯ 　lol... yes. absolutely yes. obviously i don't want to kill anyone and i'm not going through life treating people like toys, but i built victoria from my own deeply personal struggle with learning to care for others and individualising. the way she needs to consciously work through considering the people around her, her relationship to names and naming conventions, the guilt she experiences in her good ending and how she experiences it - all highly relevant to my life, yeah.

❥ 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐆𝐄𝐃 𝐁𝐘　 ⋯ @governoir, thank you <3

❥ 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐆𝐈𝐍𝐆　 ⋯ i genuinely don't have the spoons rn so for real, if you're reading this, i tagged you

[minoru-wife]

Defending Mineta Minoru - Comic Relief Role

Welcome! This is your beautiful grape juice enjoyer writing to you! Today I will be talking about something light, which is: Mineta comic relief role! Grab a snack cause this is a big one of a post.

This blog has no intention to attack anyone or/and the fandom. It's simply to bring awareness to the community to something that isn't noticed by many. It's just an opinion. Also keep in mind that I stopped watching the anime around the time [spoilers ahead, maybe] Deku found his extra abilities with One For All, so pretty much everything is based on things I remember.

Many fans that hate Mineta feel outraged with him having the comic relied role in the show. One thing is not finding the character funny, that's totally fine, but wanting or not Mineta is the comic relief character and here are some reasons.

Reason number 1: He's a punchline, literally. The creator makes him do and say stupid things just so the characters can punch him. I laugh horribly every time I see that scene when Tsuyu slaps Mineta with her tongue!

Reason number 2: His outfit. My man isn't dumb! He knows he can't catch girls with the way he looks, so he plays the funny card. HIS HERO COSTUME IS A GRAPE BOWL! IT'S FUNNY! (Doesn't matter if we laugh at it or not. It's ridiculous, cute and funny)

Reason number 3: Culture. I saw a video once from a youtuber saying that each culture has it's own values on what they find funny and each one has also their problematic puns that are socially known as wrong but accepted as a joke. It's not a surprise that Japan pictures pervert characters as comic reliefs in anime. In my culture we also see pervert people/sexual jokes as good comedy, but that's it. We know it's wrong and I swear to you that I slapped the shit out of everyone who was a pervert towards me and even with that I still like Mineta. Some cultures find funny puns about masculine sexual abuse like "Don't drop soap in prison", some find funny homophobic puns, no culture is perfect and innocent and there's nothing wrong with it. What's wrong is when people don't know to separate the pun between reality.

Reason number 4: Balls. Yeah, we all like to say jokes about balls and Mineta has infinite huge balls to entertain us for a loooooooooooooong time! (If you look well at it, the o's look like balls) Cannot go wrong with the balls puns, every one laughs at it. As the good AC/DC once said "I got big balls, he's got big balls, she's got big balls, but we got the biggest balls of them all!"

Reason number 5: Character design. Mineta is short, no doubts in that and his height is many times used as a pun. "They're making fun of people with dwarfism!" (I had to use google translator for this one, correct me if I said it in the wrong way) No, they're using his characteristics for comedy! Have you ever seen those videos made by dwarfs creators where they compare a normal sized spoon in the hands of their tall friends, but gigantic next to them? It's not making fun of them in an insultive way! The mha team doesn't turn it a bad thing on the character and many times is an advantage for him while still being funny!

That's all for today. Two long posts in one day? Damn, I was inspired this night! I would like to come back at some points here in the future and maybe I might do a second part of this theme.

Thank you for reading my words. I may be a fan of Mineta, but I don't defend his pervert actions and I'm the first to admit he's nasty during the show. Let's see...what could I talk about for the next topic? Let's try and see Pervert Characters and understand why many pervert characters aren't judged by their actions and deemed problematic by the fandom, but why Mineta is the exception at the fandom eyes.

[takiki16]

so what’s the deal with your new blorbo? assume 1. i know how football works (used to actually watch) but not how/why some players get famous; (2) i know nothing about messi except that he. exist; (3) feel free to go bananas to your heart’s content if you decide to answer this.

fuuuuUUUUUUUQ ME. Can litchrally any Argentinian, any FC Barcelona supporter, ANYONE who has followed fuutyball for more than *checks watch* TWO WEEKS spot me for this one?!?! I am GROSSLY underqualified to answer this question Cunningham's law is about to hunt me for SPORT.

Okay. LIONEL MESSI. I can't summarize everything about this Guy who is currently one of the Main Characters of the most watched sport in the world, but I CAN summarize how he has started cooking my brain!!!

(that is him!!!! my guy!!!! HIM JUMP)

I have been trying to read a book with @rhaeneystargaryen for at least a couple years now, but somehow never had the spoons or the right overlapping interest. And then she told me that she was reading this:

I figured I would give it a try! I wanted something low effort, low investment, something I didn't care a whole lot about that I could put down at any moment bc work has been hell lately. And then I hit THIS line in the introduction, and I could literally FEEL the cursed hyperfixation key in my brain start to turn:

GUESS WHICH ONE IS MESSI!!!!!

I'm not a twitter stan, I swear. I am AWARE there is a media layer here. These people are real, actual human beings with documented flaws and mistakes, I am WELL AWARE that they are ungodly wealthy pro athletes and not "stars who are just like us!!! ✨✨✨." It's also obviously reductive and unfair to view anyone solely through a comparative lens - no living being could live up to the marketing hype that has been generated around Messi, Ronaldo, or indeed any pro athlete in the elite leagues.

BUT GOTDAM IF THIS FUCKER DOESN'T MAKE IT HARD!!!!

Bare bones: Lionel Messi is a football player born in Rosario, Argentina, who at 13yo moved to Spain to play for FC Barcelona. He joined the adult team at a whole ass 17 years old. Ensue absolutely RIDICULOUS teen prodigy meteoric rise, with both Messi and Barcelona winning all the Best Football Awards ever and Best Individual Sports Achievements in Everything. I have spent the last two weeks spending FAR too much time reading football books, and all the gotdam graphs look like this:

People talk about Messi being the player who made them fall in love with "the most beautiful game," and I can SEE WHY!!! HERE I AM!!!! A CLOWN!!! ALSO FALLING IN LOVE!!!! I am googling sports highlight reels of his plays like a CHAD FOOTY HOOLIGAN!! WHO AM I, I AM HAVING AN IDENTITY CRISIS. It is just so much fun to WATCH him! Listening to commentators screaming "Eight, ten, IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MANY DEFENDERS THERE HE GOES THROUGH THEM!!! MESSI GOAAAALLLLL"

What makes it WORSE is the whole fukken rivalry business the book was about. Cristiano Ronaldo was another super-gifted player who debuted at about the same time and had a similar prodigy teen genius rise. He signed for a rival club in the same league at the same time Messi was playing with Barcelona. The story reads like a gotdam Hollywood sports drama, on both an individual and a team level!! I cannot IMAGINE what it was like watching this unfold as it was happening!

For starters: on an individual level, they were constantly thrown up against each other for every award imaginable. The Ballon d'Or awards list, which crowns you King of Soccer for the year, has looked like this since 2008:

(there is obviously talk that Messi is up for an EIGHTH award this year, but I don't think about the future bc it is bad for my cooked brain 😊)

On a team level, there was (and IS) of course the clubs. I am ABSOLUTELY not qualified to get into the weeds on this, but the rivalry between Barcelona and Real Madrid has deep, deep political, historical, and cultural roots going back (among other things) to Catalonian oppression under the fascist Franco regime in Spain. Josep Suñol, then-president of FC Barcelona, was shot in 1936 by Francoist troops.The matches between the two clubs and the two players with their drastically different teams and styles at the time were super-charged - an ACTUAL QUALIFIED Barcelona supporter is going to have to get in here and explain the history and emotion behind the Clasicos bc THAT IS SEVERAL BOOKS IN AND OF ITSELF!!!!!

The whole point of THIS particular book was not, in fact, a blow-by-blow comparison of the players. The point was that by being WHO they were and WHEN they were, Messi and Ronaldo changed the shape of the game forever in terms of marketing, branding, team strategy, finances, etc etc etc. It's an interesting read (if not entirely unbiased on all points), if you enjoy the absolute blood and oil-soaked clown show that is professional football money!

But ANYWAY.

AFTER I finished the book Messi ended up cooking my brain bc (1) all of the context above re: rivalry in league football, and (2) his PERSONALITY. Someone made him in a lab to ruin my life!

I mean, the club loyalty gets me. For his entire professional career, Messi has played for exactly two teams - Barcelona and his homeland Argentina NT. He only left Barcelona in 2021, VERY much against his will (per him, his agent, his friends, his family, AND FC Barcelona) due to an absolute hot mess of a league financial situation that is apparently still sorting itself out. I don't know how common it is for pro athletes at his level to move around, but I feel like it's more common than that!!! THE CLUB LOYALTY gets me, the HOME LOYALTY gets me!!!! Especially as he's gotten better and better, and there's been more and more pressure on him to keep delivering even in the absence of anything else!

The gotdam STOICISM also gets me!!! Call it shyness, call it humility, call it down-to-earthness or reservedness or whatever you want - what everyone kept mentioning about him in the books (and what certain French marketing departments are still probably saying about him) is how QUIET he is. Journalists would complain about how he "made it to age 30 without ever uttering an interesting sentence in public." A Nike exec who lost a bid with his agent for a sponsorship waved it off by saying "Imagine how much trouble we would be in if Messi had a personality." Relative to his peers in the elite football world, he doesn't have a flash lifestyle with a huge entourage. He doesn't do a lot of press. He doesn't try to push a personal brand, even though it's a big chunk of income for wherever he plays. Even though he obviously COULD, he doesn't go around talking about Greatest Of All Time (TM). When he DOES give interviews he doesn't even talk super loudly. He keeps to his immediate family and his closest circle of friends.

AND YET. AND YET. ON THE PITCH, HE PLAYS LIKE HE DOES. He creates not just for himself, but for his TEAMMATES the way that he does! I realize that NO ONE gets an award for being a team player in a team sport, or for "not being as much of a dick as you could have been," but HE STILL HAS HIS HOMETOWN ACCENT!!! He dedicates his goals to his GRANDMOTHER! He met his wife when he was FIVE YEARS OLD, he has never had a relationship with anyone else ("It has always been Antonella, for me"), he has three beautiful kids, his teammates keep apparently falling in love with him and doing Intricate Rituals, I AM ENDEARED I AM ENDLESSLY ENDEARED

Did I mention he is also very short? Allow me to mention that. 5"7 / 1.7 meters in pro-athlete world is PICK-UPABLE SIZE. Multiple reels out there of his teammates celebrating goals just by PICKING HIM UP it MAKES ME SO FOND

(on an Intricate Rituals note, Messi's size and his evasive style of play has caused a lot of opposing team's strategy to be "make a cage, kick him as soon as you can and tackle often," which has in turn prompted a lot of specific protection strategies for him as a forward and also over-protective teammates :)))). WHICH OF COURSE COOKS MY BRAIN EVEN MORE YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.)

And that isn't even STARTING on his saga with the Argentina NT, which reads like YET ANOTHER HOLLYWOOD SPORT DRAMA that I cannot believe actually happened!

Again, I am begging ANY Argentine to jump in here, I AM GROSSLY IGNORANT as to the history of this sport I got here two whole weeks ago how is this HAPPENING to meeeeeeee

My very basic understanding of the situation is that Messi has played for the national team ever since 2004, whenever he was on break from Barcelona. Over the years since then, Argentina (with Messi) has tried again and again to win the World Cup (and the Copa America), but consistently failed despite regularly advancing to finals. BECAUSE Messi was on the team, Argentina routinely and perhaps unfairly got billed as "favorites" to win, with criticism in the press being focused disproportionately on Messi when they didn't. I don't know how bad the situation in Argentinian media got, but even the western English outlets were picking it up. "Messi plays better for Barcelona than for his home country, Messi isn't Argentinian enough, Messi keeps too much to himself and doesn't sing the anthem,etc etc etc". Maradona famously commented that Messi was "a great person, but had no personality," and that it was useless to try to make a leader out of him because he caved under pressure (referring to Messi reportedly being sick from nerves before the world cup games).

(note: gotdam rivalry. Of the people named who would be better and more stylish leaders, Cristiano Ronaldo was up top )

The pressure DID get to Messi in the end - he issued a statement in 2016 saying he would retire from international football, but there was a huge home campaign to get him to come back to the team. Argentina still didn't win the 2018 World Cup (players of opposing teams said that their strategy against Argentina was not letting them pass to Messi). And so on, and so forth.

AND THEN!!!!! 2021!!!!!

I THINK I HAVE POSTED FAR TOO MUCH ALREADY about the current Argentina NT for someone who, as I said, JUST ARRIVED AT THIS GOTDAM SPORT, but I'm going to make everyone look at these quotes again. These are quotes the team has given ABOUT MESSI HOW IS THIS REAL????

Argentina would go on to win the Copa America - and then...well 🥰

I DON'T KNOW IF I'VE EXPLAINED THIS ADEQUATELY!!! I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE SUFFICIENTLY REPRESENTED THE DEGREE TO WHICH MY BRAIN IS COOKED!!! Did that mean anything to anyone???? I don't know!

HELL

[wizardcurse]

i wanna hear your thoughts on chainsaw man, if you don't mind 👀

MY THOUGHTS, you say?

This is only about the anime as I haven’t read the manga or engaged much with csm at all besides that. and sorry that this is disjointed this is just my natural unfiltered sleep deprived word splatter

OKAY. so once I adapted to the graphic gore and constant sex jokes and channeled my inner edgy teenager and adjusted to how bizarre and alarming it was… I was surprised but I actually started to really enjoy it. because I feel the disjointed cynicism and humour and general awfulness of it fits this bleak awful universe it’s set in and makes it all the more believable

I really love the idea of an object or concept becoming a devil and having an appropriate level of threat and danger based on how people perceive it? and that it can change with major events and become worse over time and fluctuate. I think the concept is what got me hooked.

I really want to know more about the universe it’s set in. it’s fascinating to me. It was casually mentioned that the Soviet Union exists??? What year is this anime even set… Are nuclear weapons present in this universe? I feel that nuclear energy would be the most threatening devil but there’s been no mention of it. Or any epidemics? or natural disasters? instead the gun devil is the largest threat. also if the gun devil appeared in america why are bits of it all over japan? how did it get there? can devils cross oceans. do they do interplanar travel or something. do you get extremely culturally specific devils that are only found in specific countries. are there geographic influences. WHY is everyone suddenly so obsessed with denji when he just had a puppy chainsaw possess him

I loved the time loop episode and I really loved seeing the characters get fleshed out! I love the tiny bits of lovely mundane normality in the series too like aki just trying to live and do cooking and do the laundry which gets destroyed by denji and power turning up. poor fucking guy

Strange thought but now I’m wondering if people can be forcibly manipulated in order to deliberately increase the power of a devil? if you kidnapped 1,000 people and made them develop a severe phobia of spoons for example, would the spoon devil gain immense power. is that just how it works. can you merge devils persona style. what is the most contracts anyone has ever made, is there a world record?how do you stop ordinary people from making contracts?

If you can have devils as more abstract concepts could you end up with comic book villains or characters manifesting? memes? a situation where all popular media has to be very carefully controlled? how does consumerism and capitalism influence devils. I NEED THE LORE. have devils always existed or is this a recent phenomenon? if they’ve always existed then would older devils be stronger? ANCIENT SOCIETIES WITH DEVILS? dinosaur devil???

the christian imagery is interesting and I'm curious to see where it is going. especially that painting in the ending where makima is holding denji like mother mary holding jesus… interesting that all the graves are in western style too

if there’s an infinity devil is there gonna be a Death devil? contracts and devils they are so interesting to me. the devil hunters are SUCH assholes. the way denji and power are completely treated as tools and have no agency. the way aki is treated by pretty much everyone is ridiculous this guy can’t even eat his apples in hospital in peace. I would peel apples for him at his bedside. I LOVE aki. which is very typical of me I always fall for characters like him. I love characters doomed by the narrative and revenge driven. It’s terrifying and devastating but also morbidly hilarious seeing him battle with the depths of grief juxtaposed to the flippant attitude of everyone else who shrugs it off and can go back to laughing

I am also fascinated and in love with Makima. I have to know what her deal is. she can’t be human… I would listen to whatever she says and end up destroying the world for her <3 she is the girl manipulator of all time. THE BIT ON THE TRAIN AND THE HUMAN SACRIFICE SCENE… damn

Okay where was I going with this. So chainsaw man! it’s definitely not the usual kind of thing I’d watch, and I don’t think I’d have continued past the first two episodes if my friend hadn’t sat down and watched it with me. but I really am interested to see where it’s going? and kind of concerned now that I think about it. like if it is going to use any real world historical events, like wars? that’s probably my biggest fear, can't see that being done tactfully

BUT YEAH THE ANIMATION… was so good. MAPPA really is something else. and I love the openings and endings, I can’t believe every ending was different. insane anime. ultimately it’s a nightmare but I enjoyed it. might try to read the manga next so I can get some Answers

[finallygaveintothesirencall]

ooh 6, 36 and 46 for your shepard(s) of choice :D

Eep, thank you so much for the ask!

Taken from these questions here. I did these for Serena, my Infiltrator who gets given biotics by Cerberus (against her will) and thus transitions to being a vanguard, and Seamus, my first ever male Shep.

6. What would they be doing, if Shepard never joined the alliance?

Serena: Honestly, I haven't thought a TON about her life pre-Alliance before. I think she would have joined up with something in search and rescue tbh. Something about the danger and physicality of it speak to her, as does helping people and doing good in the galaxy.

Seamus:

He is a sweet bean engineer, who leaves the Reds on rather explosive terms, to their detriment when the gang shifts into more hardcore stuff. So I think after that, he'd stowaway on a ship and make his way as a handy man/tech on whatever, until one day he meets a Quarian on their pilgrimage, and they just click. The thing that Quarian brings back from their pilgrimage

36. What is their relationship with Wrex?

Serena:

Lol. They're so in love with each other, it makes them look stupid. Bioware is wrong, Wrex is romanceable in my heart, and by golly, Serena is gonna be the one to smooch that krogan. It starts for both of them in 1 as mutual respect that then morphs into friendship. Serena is fascinated by krogan culture and history, genuinely curious about it. Learning about most of the other races is easy enough on the extranet, but there isn't much on krogan. Once Wrex realizes she's genuinely interested for no other reason than wanting to learn, he warms up significantly.

2 is a straight up terrible time for Serena. She's very angry, bordering on self-destructive right up until Tuchanka. Seeing Wrex again, spending time together during the celebrations after Grunt's rite, learning more about the krogan from the Shaman and seeing Tuchanka, she finds herself a little more. There's a reason to make it back from the Omega relay now, and she's going to do it dammit. She starts talking to the crew more, if only to make sure they're a cohesive enough unit to not die and get her back alive.

If 2 was a terrible time for Serena, 3 is somehow worse for a bit, at least wrt Wrex. While she is thrilled beyond words about curing the Genophage, it's only too obvious (to her only) after rescuing Eve that she and Wrex will be working to rebuild the krogan people ((poor James is about to lose his MIND because how can nobody else see that the Commander and krogan clan leader are ridiculously in love??)). They talk it out tho, and finally get together. Wrex stays on the Normandy for the most part, going with her on missions, being a rock solid source of strength.

(((sorry for rambling on this one so long, but I love the krogans SO MUCH, and I can talk forever about their potential history, lore, and the implications of the genophage on their culture, which is all super tied into this relationship)))

Seamus:

There is a mischievous, puckish streak in Seamus a mile deep. Not many things trigger it, but when they do, hoo boy, he will cause SO much trouble on purpose. The treatment of the krogan in the galaxy is something Seamus does not care for in the least bit, and he very much enjoys ruffling authoritative feathers. This culminates in Seamus bringing Wrex all over the Citadel, cause he knows the higher ups don't like it. Wrex thinks it's hilarious, and fully enjoys knowing someone with Spectre status enjoys causing trouble with him on purpose.

46. What does your Shepard get competitive over?

Serena:

Spoons, and other similar games like bullshit. Honestly, just board/card games in general, but not poker or anything with gambling involved. Those she just makes sure to gamble with skimmed credits in

Seamus:

Darts, and cheering for any Irish sports team

[thewickedkat]

when i started watching GBBO during the early days of the pandemic (like so many other people) i immediately fell in love with it against my will. it was heartwarming to find this little show where amateur bakers stretched out of their comfort zones and helped each other and learnt new things and challenged themselves. everyone was nice. everyone was lovely. it was a fantastic break from American 'reality' shows.

but somewhere along the line it...stopped being that? it stopped being about 'hey i had this creative idea i wanted to try, new flavours i haven't worked with, i hope it's agreeable' and started being about 'oh Prue likes booze, let's gin this up,' or 'Paul doesn't like matcha, that's a no-go.' it became about tailoring their bakes to what the judges might give higher marks for...in whatever Byzantine fucking system those two have; honestly it's so confusing that even when a baker follows a brief to the letter it boils down to the judges' aesthetics.

Mary Berry was at least willing to try new things, if the baker followed the brief. and she always gave encouragement, never dismissive the way Prue is turning out to be (honestly i think Prue genuinely believes that spices are meant to be in little jars on a rack so they can be admired from afar, bah).

Paul was always a wanker but when i first started watching i was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt because he was upfront about shit not being cooked all the way through, or why something didn't pass his criteria. now his fame has gone to his head, with everyone vying for his stupid goddam handshake. why? the man tears into bread like a rabid hyena whilst swearing he is an 'expert' on bread (i want to see his fucking bread degree) and just insults someone smugly. he is no help at all. if he stepped into my kitchen to evaluate bread i was baking i would wield a wooden spoon about his head and shoulders mercilessly with all the fury of a Tasmanian devil.

Noel is fine. love Noel. Matt? eh, bit of a lump. miss Mel and Sue though, really. Sandy was cute and i loved her cheekiness.

to say nothing of the cultural insensitivity of the past couple seasons (Mexican week made me cringe into my sofa), the challenges are growing so ridiculous as to be a pastiche of what GBBO used to be. ice creams! ice creams were a challenge! i don't care if it's during Custard Week, the only baked thingy was a waffle cone! no! fuck off! it ain't called the Great British Ice Cream Social!

the show's staff--and sure as shit the judges--seem to forget that these people are amateurs. they love baking, it is a beloved hobby for them. it's something that brings them joy and gives them fulfillment, and every time i hear someone say 'there's no excuse for lack of perfection' or some such bullshit i want to eat Paul and Prue's hearts in the marketplace.

this is the first season where i genuinely feel that the bakers aren't having fun. and that's fucking sad.

[sokkabaddiebender2021]

An ATLA Rant: Imperialism & Nuance

Just to start off, this is coming from a girl who’s grandmother was Filipino. No, I have not personally experienced imperialism in my lifetime, but it is a subject that I think is very serious and important to me because of my heritage.

That said, I have absolutely zero idea how you could watch avatar: the part airbender and come out of it saying that it is pro imperialist. Absolutely zero.

I agree because this is a pan Asian inspired show that was written was created by two white men (with the help and advisement of several poc as well but that is a topic for another time), people, especially people of color, have every right to be critical of it. But this argument that the show is somehow pro imperialist just doesn’t make sense to me.

The fire nation is in the wrong. The show makes that VERY clear. Their actions towards other nations is called out by several characters (Zuko, Roku, etc). Their destruction of other cultures (southern water tribe, air nomads, attempted earth kingdom) are seen as diporable and downright inhuman. Not only that, but we see the devastation this cultural genocide brings upon main characters like Katara and especially Aang and how they must heal from it.

Moving on, the show absolutely was not teaching people to stand docile and peaceful against their oppressors. Katara and Aang literally destroy a whole fire nation factory!! When the fire nation was attacking the northern air temple, they were kicking their asses off the cliff!! They planned a whole invasion to attack the fire nation capital to end the war!! (Let’s not forget Katara incititing a riot against the fire nation in the imprisonment episode with the earth benders). I could on and on about all the times the gaang meets the fire nation with violence and encourages others to fight back against them, but that would be going wayyy too in depth.

I think where people get far too simplistic here is that they think that atla is telling people to not use violence against their oppressors because the show is critical of people like Jet and Hama. First of all, the characters are given a lot of nuance in the show. Both are introduced with tragic backstories of the horrors that the fire nation inflicted upon them (I still get chills with the scene when Hama explains her story).

Despite this, both characters have every chance to use their abilities to fight back against the fire nation in a way that helps. You know, like fighting against the army and not innocent people who have no idea that the fire nation is actually in the wrong. The narrative is not that violence is bad! Peace is the only way! I think it’s that you can’t let your veagance lead you away from fighting the right people. That’s the issue: neither Jet and Hama were fighting the right people.

And we first see both characters fighting soldiers in their first scenes. Hama in the flashback when she’s defending her home (and rightfully uses violence to do so) and Jet when he helps the gaang take down some fire nation soldiers in the forest. This is just violence directed at the right people. But instead, both attempt to murder and in Hama’s case, torture people who take no part in the atrocities the fire nation has committed. Are they ignorant? Well of course they are because as we very obviously see, they’ve been fed propaganda their entire life while also living under an authoritarian regime, something that’ll give you no will to think other than the things that are spoon fed to you.

So let me ask you this, was it right for Jet to try and murder an entire village of innocent people, literal children included? Was it right for Hama to imprison and torture lord knows how many innocent citizens just because they belong to an nation that they have no actual knowledge of its evil? I’m hoping your answer is no, and the show would also say no as well.

When both Katara and Aaag choose not to kill, the narrative is not saying that they shouldn’t kill these men. The narrative allows both characters to make their own choice in what ways they wish to do, and it has nothing to do with what is actually right or wrong, because ultimately it is up to what each character wishes to do. Katara sees Yon Ra as the pathetic old man that he is, so she sees no purpose or healing for herself in taking his life. This is a personal choice made for herself, and that is all that matters.

The same goes for Aang. This poor boy is desperate to uphold the beliefs of his people, so he finds another way. A way that still upholds his beliefs while still ending the tyranny of Firelord Ozai. It is ridiculous to say that this is a passive take to imperialism, because yes he doesn’t literally murder someone but he still takes the dude out. And honestly, Ozai’s fate is worse then death (especially considering who Ozai is). Once again, the narrative is not saying be passive to your oppressors and don’t use violence. Its saying that because Aang is living in a world where his beliefs have been forcefully removed and disrespected, he has every right to continue to defend them in the ways he sees fit.

While some may see the narrative as more sympathetic to Iroh and Zuko, I think it’s just because they ARE some of the main characters of the show, as compared to those like Jet and Hama. We see much more of their story just as we see much more of the gaang’s story. Not only that, but their narrative purpose is far different from these two other characters. Iroh and Zuko are meant to show that despite them being from the fire nation, they are not inherently evil people. Jet and Hama are meant to show that even while they are against the antagonistic force of the show, they still can commit evil. Not only are Iroh and Zuko’s actions never justified, but they both must go on a journey to unlearn the hateful propaganda instilled into them, and remedy their ignorance. The narrative never says that neither Jet and Hama cannot also redeem themselves, but Hama feels no remorse for her actions, and Jet does attempt to redeem himself, but ultimately falls back into old habits (I believe he could’ve redeemed himself, but I���ll agree the writers were a bit sloppy in his end, like I’m not sure why they had to kill him other than to make him a tragic character but whatever).

To finally wrap up this essay, ATLA is not a black and white show. The show is not pro imperialist for condemning the violent actions of two characters who happen to be victims of imperialism. The show is not pro imperialist for allowing two children to decide for themselves whether or not they want to end the lives of someone. The show is not pro imperialist for not making the antagonist of the show a one note and one dimensional bad guy.

I’ll end this with the speech that Zuko makes to Ozai when he prepares to leave on Day of Black Sun:

No, I've learned everything! And I've had to learn it on my own! Growing up, we were taught that the Fire Nation was the greatest civilization in history. And somehow, the War was our way of sharing our greatness with the rest of the world. What an amazing lie that was. The people of the world are terrified by the Fire Nation. They don't see our greatness. They hate us! And we deserve it! We've created an era of fear in the world. And if we don't want the world to destroy itself, we need to replace it with an era of peace and kindness.

[spacexfucker]

I've written a lot of fic and posted on ao3 (and way back when fanfiction.net and live journal) and done drabble work (on an old tumblr) and I just don't get why people push back so hard on leaving a comment on something they like.

I've noticed a trend getting worse. Like over a decade(ish) ago when ao3 was in its first few years and ff.net was purging, there was a relatively dependable ratio of hits vs kudos vs comments. Roughly 10% of the hits were kudos. Roughly 10% of kudos would be comments.

I made a post about this a while back but recent years with the advent of things like tiktok and the pandemic happening, fic recs have grown to exist outside the community intended for the rec and certain fic rec tiktoks get thousands of views. Like crazy amounts of views. This happened the last time I was on tiktok with the "Manacled" fic (Harry Potter world dramoine au).

If you go look at the metrics for that fic it has an insane amount of hits with a completely disproportionate (far less than the 10%) amount of kudos and it does have a ton of comments but still less percentage wise in relation to the hit count. And that's a big popular fic. Imagine what's happening to less controversial and less recommended work.

Fandom spaces have grown a lot recently but unfortunately a lot of those people don't see themselves as "the same" as the rest of us and there is a huge resurgence of cringe culture within Fandom now because more people want to just consume content but think it's cringey to be super into it.

Due to the nature of current content creation on apps like tiktok or insta, people also feel both parasocially and distant to created content. What you like defines who you are as a person and has moral implications on your character BUT liking anything Fandom is still cringe and interacting with it past consumption is ridiculous. To a lot of them, it's akin to clapping after a movie.

Imo this is because a lot of the new people in Fandom don't create at all. Most other creatives I know will comment or at least leave kudos. The people who make fic rec lists or amvs or edits usually interact with other creators. Unfortunately this means that the community aspect of things has gotten even smaller. Where most of the interaction I see between non creatives and creators is only requests, but hardly ever critiques (unless they are negative or anti arguments).

Also due to the current state of content creation on things like tiktok or insta there is a huge potential following for hateful content (hate reading to tear a work down). So I have also seen more people say terrible things about artists and fic writers than I do people saying nice things.

We have waves of new people entering Fandom as if it's a commercial space. They aren't engaging with the established community and learning about etiquette. Half the time they don't even follow actual creatives they just follow "curators" that compile fic recs and repost edits.

At one point I had a fic that was 80k+ words with 60k+ hits with thousands of kudos and hundreds of comments. Now I see fics published more recently with similar word counts but significantly less kudos and comments.

I download a bunch of fics to read on my kindle but when I finish I won't delete it until I find the fic on ao3 again and leave a comment. Even if I don't have the spoons for a detailed one, I'll just thank them for their time and effort and tell them I loved it.

Make the time to comment. You can even make your own sort of vague sets in your notes to tweak for each new fic. Even just keysmashing is a cool one to get. People like knowing they've had an effect on others. If no one wants to bother leaving you a comment but thousands of people are reading it, what keeps that person updating? If we don't see our work having an effect why wouldn't we just keep it for ourselves? Why wouldn't we share it only with friends who are guaranteed to read it and provide feedback? Fic writers are just regular people. Scoffing at our desires to recieve feedback and validation is so strange to me. Of course we like to be validated. We're human. We're sharing pieces of ourselves. And if you like it enough to read it to completion, genuinely what is keeping you from spending a minute commenting about it??

I feel old saying this, but I hate how fandom interacts with content and content creators these days. Or more specifically how it fails to interact.

There was a time when if you were a content creator in a small fandom, when you posted something new other members of the fandom would interact with what you made. And not just reading or viewing, but kudus, reblogging, comments, etc.

Everyone in a small fandom used to understand that if only 5% of the fandom is creating, then you should engage with them if you want to see new stuff.

Also, that was how you started conversations and built community was via that engagement to some extent.

Now no one really does.

Like, okay, I'm going to keep writing my fics because I enjoy doing so and they're gonna play in my brain regardless, so they are getting written.

But if I'm not going to find community by doing it, to locate the few other people into this thing, why should I put in the work to format and divide into reasonable chapters and post to AO3?

It's just frustrating.

And everyone who might respond with "you just want validation", that's really not the thing for me, but even if it was, so what if I did? That's not unreasonable. If you want more content and a creator wants validation for the work they put into their content, that should work out fine.

But if you aren't going to interact with the content that is created, especially in smaller fandoms, then don't be surprised when the content stops showing up.

[greenbergsays]

Unsolicited crit makes my skin crawl tbqh. I STILL get terrified every time I get an alert that someone has commented on my fic.

I've posted stories with ridiculously out of character things happening because they were gifts, exchange pieces that had specific requests, silly things that make me laugh, etc, and been told I clearly don't respect the source material.

I've posted stories where extremely dark things happen because I'm working through trauma, and have people call me a p*****path and p***phile.

I've written my characters with the same disabilities, mental health issues, and neurodivergencies as me because I want to see more of myself in fandom, I see my symptoms in those characters, I have them as comfort characters, etc, and I've been told I'm disrespecting the characters, and that I'm "spitting in the face of the creators".

All of that mixed in with constant abelism of reminding me that I missed punctuation, didn't spell a word correctly (mostly because of my constant tremor and not always having the spoons to edit my stories), wrote my characters "too stiff" or "emotionless" (because *I* struggle with reading emotion and tone, so how tf can I write it well?), or that my dialogue is unrealistic and "cringe worthy" (again, I have autism and poor social skills, my writing reflects how *I* process the world around me), and I'm discouraged as fuck. I haven't posted on AO3 in over a year because I don't want to deal with it any more. The only writing I do anymore is RPs with my friend, because I trust him, and I know they'll never see the light of day.

Sorry to come in to your inbox and vent so heavily, the most recent response to the feedback debate just got under my skin way too much 😓😔

The rise of purity culture in fandom is a completely different argument altogether, and not one I particularly relish getting into because of the nonstop harassment

That being said, I’m extremely sorry that these things have happened to you, both the purity police, and the ableism. 

Respecting source material or creator intent is NOT a prerequisite for writing fanfic, and in fact, sometimes ya gotta write it because the creators did you dirty.

I hope one day you find the fortitude to try again, bc writing is cathartic and I’m so angry that people took that from you. 

And if anyone gives you shit, you can send ‘em my way, the Fite is strong in this one ;)

[glitterarygetsit]

Hi! I hope you are doing well. I have been following you a long time and I remember you saying awhile ago that you have seasonal depression. I have depression in general but I definitely feel the change of seasons especially when the days are shorter. Do you have any tips for getting through the winter and dealing with seasonal symptoms? I am taking vitamin D but I don't really notice a difference. I have thought of trying one of those therapy lights but am skeptical. Thanks for your time!

Hi! There are definitely things I do, but it’s a constant maintenance process, so I do have a tendency to sulk and not follow my own advice. I’m fortunate that my housemate/best friend/platonic life partner gets on my case when I start doing that, though, so if you have someone you trust to check in with you it really helps. (Some of the things, like meditation and journalling, might be something you can coordinate with a friend to check in with each other about). I’ve ended up with a bundle of tools which I use to varying degrees, and winter is still rubbish, but it feels a lot more survivable than it used to. 

Here are my tips, in order of cost:

1. Have a regular bedtime at a sensible time. Mine is 22:30, although I don’t stick to it perfectly. A really good routine is turning off all screens at 10, getting ready for bed, and reading in bed until no later than 11. I often end up watching TV until 10:30 and then going straight to bed, but I think that’s better than working or messing about online. I think that dark, short days messing with your internal clock is a big part of seasonal depression, so imposing some structure helps.

2. Start and maintain a gratitude or positivity journal. All you need to do every day is make a quick note of things that were positive. (“I went for coffee with Hannah” “My new trousers are super comfy” “I saw a cute bird!”) It takes about five minutes and it really cuts through the bland “everything is awful” mindset that depression tricks you into. Some days it’s harder than others, but I try to write at least three things every day. I currently have this one, but I’ll probably just get a generic mini notebook when I run out of pages. 

3. Practice mindfulness meditation. I started this for anxiety, but if you consistently practice (that’s really important) meditating gives you a lot more control over any kind of overwhelming feeling or emotion. Again, this is something I am bad at doing myself, but if you can manage to set aside ten minutes three times a week or so, it makes it a lot easier to say “okay, time to move on and think about something else” when you’re really low. I started off using the free trial of the Headspace app (which is a good introduction, but I don’t like the guy’s voice and the subscription is SUPER expensive) and now use the Buddhify app (one-off purchase of about $5). I’ve also heard that Insight Timer (free) is good.

4. Using a daylight lamp consistently is helpful, but it can be a pain in the butt if you don’t already have a morning routine which involves sitting in a specific place (e.g. for breakfast or work) where you can set up the lamp. You have to commit to using it daily, for a decent chunk of time (for me 40 minutes was best). I’m not using mine (FYI: this reasonably inexpensive one) at the moment because I’m responding well to my current medication. If I weren’t so lazy and used the damn thing, I’d probably feel even better. It’s hard to tell the difference from day to day when you’re starting out, but after I’d been using mine regularly I could REALLY tell when I hadn’t used it, so I’ll probably go back to using it for a while when it gets really dark.

4a. Daylight bulbs are a related option which mainly help with motivation and energy levels. I put daylight bulbs in my ceiling light year-round, which makes it feel like it’s brighter outsideand tricks me into thinking the days are a bit longer in winter. Make sure you’ve also got regular bulbs in side lamps in the evening, though, or you won’t feel able to get to sleep.

4b. I have never regretted buying my dawn simulator alarm clock, which I got after two years of wanting one but refusing to spend the money. If you have to get out of bed at a set time every morning they’re fantastic–they’re more a “functioning adult” tool than a mood one, in my experience. But I went from having to use half my day’s spoons to pry myself out of bed whilst wailing to just being a regular grump who hit the snooze button once or twice. I kind of wish I’d shelled out for a slightly fancier one so I could use my own music as a wake-up tone, but it’s fine.

5. Medication and supplements can really help. I know that especially for US peeps this can be a ridiculously expensive proposition, but if your objections are based on the idea that medication will make you numb or dull your creative edge or amounts to some kind of failure, and you haven’t tried antidepressants before, please try to put them aside. [EDIT: For the most part, this attitude is perpetuated by people who have never experienced ongoing mental health issues. A friend pointed out to me that some people DO have bad experiences with antidepressants, and in fairness, my own first experience with citalopram made me feel pretty numb! Those are real experiences. But popular culture seems to run with the “pills turn you into a zombie” narrative when other medications have been hugely helpful to me. I’m really glad I didn’t write off medication as a whole based on that first antidepressant. Based on my own experience, I’d say it’s worth experimenting a little if you have a supportive doctor.]

If you cannot access prescribed medication, or the idea of “chemicals” is too intimidating, consider taking St John’s Wort (I am not a doctor, please do your own research! It did, however, work well for me). It’s a herbal remedy which is the first port of call for patients with depression here in Germany, and it has very few side effects (basically: you absolutely MUST NOT take it alongside other SSRIs, it interferes with hormonal birth control, and can make you more prone to sunburn. Always let a doctor know if they prescribe you medications on top of anything you’re already taking).

I took about 1350mg of the over-the-counter stuff for about five years and while it wasn’t a silver bullet, it REALLY took the edge off of my depression when the health service was failing to give me the support I needed. Here is a Cochrane review of 29 studies of St John’s Wort’s effectiveness. Lack of regulation is a bit of a problem in terms of not knowing the strength of what you’re taking, which is why I ended up taking three of the Boots One-a-Day extra strength tablets daily before it made much of a difference. When I got to Germany, my GP here prescribed me 900mg which was just as effective. But as I said, there are barely any side-effects and you’d have to be taking a lot more than that to overdose.

I also find vitamin D helpful, and while I’m taking vitamin B12 because I think I just have low levels of it it does boost energy levels a lot.

6. I’m aware that this one is very privilege-dependent, but if you can–take a holiday somewhere warmer and sunnier. It might be worth bearing this in mind when planning your annual holidays, if your days off/finances are limited. Don’t feel like you need to hold the trip to “awesome holiday” standards–it’s just about getting some sun on your face. Last year my partner and I picked a location based entirely on the weather report and prices not being insane (we had a holiday booked which was cancelled because the airline went under and had to rebook with three days notice) and had a super chill time in Valencia.

Okay, that got super long–I hope it was helpful! Good luck dealing with winter. I’ve had years where I really wondered how I was going to cope with the misery year on year for the rest of my life, but as my coping tools have fallen into place, it’s become easier and easier.

[zillychu]

I apologize for going anon on you, seeing your inbox note. I'm aware I probably won't be answered. Earlier on Twitter you talked about popularity and social media. I have a personal situation and I wanted to know your thoughts, even if it might be harsh. I know notes =/= worth. I like what I make. I was also bent on improving. Yet it hurts when I barely get recognition when I've been in a fandom for years. I don't feel like I exist. -

- Plus I’ve become a little jealous over someone with same interests yet they’re popular. I try to avoid them, but I see their stuff everywhere. Their existence reminds me of my own ‘failure’. It’s not that I want to be wildly popular. I wish more people cared. I do feel as though communities aren’t as supportive as they could be. Thank you for taking the time to read this.           

I really don’t make a habit of answering anons, but if you have something that’s sincerely upsetting… well, it’s very hard for me to ignore that. We’ve all got weaknesses and sometimes it’s really super hard to talk to anyone about them.

No worries anon, I think this is something a lot of people struggle with. I don’t claim to know the answer, but I can certainly give you my two cents.

For anyone who doesn’t follow my Twitter (it’s a mess, I don’t blame you), this is the thread they’re referring to:

In addendum, it’s really easy to say things like recognition don’t matter. Numbers don’t matter. Twitter doesn’t lend well to talking at length about sensitive subjects, so I didn’t really delve into that part of it.

If I sounded like I don’t have my own problems with envy, don’t be fooled! I think even at our best, we all experience envy of others. No one is perfect, and we all crave what we lack, even if it’s not from a place of malice or ill-will.

It’s a really rough struggle, I’m not gonna lie. Things like natural advantages/disadvantages can take their toll (natural talent is a thing, friends), things like dumb luck can be downright infuriating. And a lot of times, that’s what it boils down to - because everyone works hard when they’re passionate about something. Sometimes, it’s about being in the right place at the right time, being born into an optimal environment, having the right resources, being in the right fandom, stumbling into the right group of friends, etc. Hell, the professional world is more often about networking than anything else, and that’s kind of a version of that.

Long story short, there are too many things out of your control. Which to me, is yet another reason why you shouldn’t beat yourself up over lack of popularity. Not to say that hard work and self-improvement should be thrown out the window, that’s not the point I’m trying to make; I’m just trying to say that there’s so much more that needs to be taken into consideration before you beat yourself up over low followers/likes/etc. (Not that you should ever beat yourself up for that)

So I suppose my advice is this: go out and make friends. Tailor your experience so that you no longer care about those numbers, or at least care less. Baby steps. Get more excited about sharing your work with close friends than posting on your blog and watching notes come in. Show your work to people who really matter to you - more often than not, a few kind words from them will mean more than 100,000 likes from some random strangers. If you think a community isn’t very welcoming or accepting… then look elsewhere! Other social media sites, other fandoms if you have to. No two places are the same.

Get more excited about self-discovery. Get more excited about self-improvement, learning something new. Your world is about you, your thoughts, your experiences. Not the opinion’s of random people on the internet. If you love something, if you enjoy something, they don’t matter.

It’s often a very slow process, learning to let go of envy and jealousy. I’ve only loosened my grip on it, it’s still there. I still feel petty and gross whenever I see an artist half my age and twice as talented, and I wonder, what sort of luck did they have? What silver spoon were they born with? Must be nice, I think bitterly, and then I catch myself and have a nasty taste in my mouth until I can let it go. Remind myself they’re a person too, and never wished to be better/more popular/successful to put others down.

Nobody is perfect. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and at the end of the day, only you can make the art you make. No one else can, not even so-called master artists. They don’t have your mind, your eyes, your touch. Only you can bring your art into the world.

Life is fleeting. Enjoy yours as best you can, be happy. There’s more to life than comparing yourself to others. More to life than art, even. There’s tasty food to be eaten, new places to visit, new friends to make.

It’s little things like these that help me loosen my grip on envy’s hand.

And on a lighter note… do you even want to be popular on this hellsite. ‘Cause let me tell you a thing, back when I had, I think I peaked at around 80k (maybe 100k) followers on my old blog? The amount of harassment I got was ridiculous. Turning anon off at that point didn’t even work, I’d get just about everything under the sun on par for internet culture. Popularity means visibility, and holy shit that isn’t always a good thing. I’m 10000000% happier in my tinier fandoms, and I hope I stay here.